Where's the fucking love?

in an increasingly sickening dating culture

You try out a few girls when you’re young, and when you find a good one, you marry and keep her.” These aren’t the words from any man I’ve ever dated, unfortunately obviously. They’re the words of a Balinese man I met yesterday, who’s been married to the same woman for 25 years and looked at me in disbelief when I told him that it’s just not that simple nowadays, at least not in my world, not with my lifestyle and most certainly, not with my type.

But why isn’t it that simple? Why is everything so fucking complicated these days when life could be really simple? Like self-checkout machines that always tell me to call an employee, dating apps where no one is genuinely looking to date but just to feel less alone for a few minutes, and social media where no one is really trying to be social but just to show their beetroot latte—these things are all supposed to simplify our lives, yet it feels like life was a hella lot easier before all of these inventions.

Now, this man asks me why it’s not that simple anymore, and honestly, I have no fucking idea how to explain what a situationship is because, in all honesty, I don’t even know why the whole world suddenly strives for this kind of “love” while simultaneously feeling miserable about it. How do I explain to him the difference between a lover girl and a boss bitch, and why women are suddenly divided into these two categories? The first still believes in prince charming, while the latter is busy building an empire or whatever. I mean, when did we get to the point where we’re okay with breaking our own hearts every damn day? Where we’re fine settling for the bare fucking minimum just to feel less alone for a few hours, only to feel 10 times worse afterward. Have you ever met anyone who's truly happy in a situationship? I’m pretty sure such thing doesn’t exist because, although we’re trying to dehumanize every tiny thing about ourselves to create this perfect avatar with no feelings and no cellulite, at the end of the day, we’re still human! Guess what, humans have feelings and emotions, and we need stable relationships in order to thrive.

What we don’t need, on the other hand, is settling for half-hearted connections that leave us feeling more empty than fulfilled. We’ve become so obsessed with curating the perfect image — pore-free skin, hourglass-shaped bodies (or whatever the latest trend is), no emotional baggage — that we forget what makes us human in the first place. Vulnerability, connection, and real, messy love. I know it sounds really crazy, but what if we’re not meant to jump from one person to the next, chasing temporary comfort and avoiding the deeper stuff?

Truth be told, humans need love. And I don’t mean superficial love, I don’t mean one night stands or short romances, I’m talking about the kind of love this Balinese man experiences. The kind where certain things about each other really annoy the shit out of you, but you stay together anyway because that’s what love is at its core. It really is that simple.

But of course, if you're always just one swipe away from someone who seems to have fewer flaws, you never give yourself the chance to fall in love. You leave before you even have the opportunity. We alarmingly do this with ease because we're scared of risking our hearts, but maybe this very behavior is what's breaking our hearts every day. Constantly chasing the next best thing, never giving anything a real chance, never being okay with working through each other's imperfections—that's what's truly destroying us.

Relationships mean compromises, and in 2024, no one wants to compromise even the slightest part of their lives because we saw how that went down with our parents. We think we love freedom, and don’t get me wrong, I’m the biggest advocate for freedom. But I also love love. I’m a lover girl at heart, and like my bestie recently texted me: “I was thinking I don’t want a relationship, but every time I reach the conclusion that I’m a lover girl, and I’d take a healthy relationship any day over this sick dating culture.”

After two years of being single and surviving a few soul-crushing situationships, I’m so tired of being an independent boss bitch. I’m tired of pretending I don’t care about the men I let into my life, I’m tired of saying, 'it’s just not meant to be,' and most certainly, I’m tired of telling a new person how I like my coffee or my orgasm. I’m exhausted from going through life with this attitude, thinking it’s easy and fun, because really it’s the one thing that’s making my life complicated.

I want to fight for real love, not because I’m needy or alone, but because—dare I say it—I care.