Thank you for your honesty. I am 26 it does put things into perspective for me. Having kids must be easy for financially stable people. I think it’s almost dangerous to be pushed into motherhood when you’re struggling with your own bills. Knowing we were never taught financial literacy to begin with before throwing us under the bus with the biggest responsibility on earth. KIDS.
100% yes!! so many people say it’s not about money, but honestly, having money does make all the difference in the system we’re living in. Money means you can hire a nanny if you want to have a night out, you can outsource cleaning, afford therapy, join mom groups that cost money, even take a break without it being a crisis. It gives you options. Without that, everything falls on you — emotionally, physically, financially. And that’s the part I wish more people would acknowledge. It’s not just about attitude or effort, but about access.
I'm so sorry you are going through this hard time. I have felt it before but have come to realize that if I want a village, I need to create it. And a lot of the problems of not feeling heard or helped stems from me just as much as others, I have started opening up more with my husband, he is very loving and helps when he can (but he does work long hours during the day so naturally I take care of the children most of the time), I have started asking family and friends for help and to my surprise they weren't condescending and didn't think less of me! I feel like I built myself this wall in my head that was hard to get through but I did it. I do have help, people do love children, they want to help but they need to know exactly how they can help, and we need to choose better partners to have children with. There are men out there who step up and care for the family properly, but a lot of boys have been raised to try to get away doing as little as possible and that stretched into parenthood unfortunately, so women with childish selfish men tend to get burnt out picking up the pieces because they have no other choice. I changed this narrative by talking more with my husband, asking everyone for help with big and small things, attending more events with moms near my area (picnics in the park are cheap and usually easily accessible) and being more inviting and hosting more! Hopefully this helps and brings some light to such dark, overwhelming thoughts, especially when we feel in the thick of it.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I’m really glad you’ve found ways to make things work better for you and I do agree we have to actively build our own villages and ask people for help. I think where we might differ is that my post isn‘t really about me personally having a hard time, but more about how the larger system makes it incredibly hard for so many moms to have a good experience at all (especially for moms in marginalized groups!) Not everyone has access to supportive partners, family nearby, or the time and energy for community events. That’s the deeper issue I was trying to speak to — and one of the big reasons why so many people are choosing not to have kids right now.
I understand that absolutely, and how intimidating it is to make that choice. But therein lies the necessity to, maybe not have children themselves, but build a community that supports mothers. Lots of these women that don't have kids make it harder for moms too, they are usually the ones being condescending about kids, focusing all their time and attention on activities that are hard to have kids around, and ignoring friends that have children. It's a very multidimensional topic and what I'm trying to say, I guess, is that only pointing to the problem doesn't do much and we can all come together to bring about some small steps that resolve the big issue at hand.
Thank you for writing this. This needs to be said. I've noticed a social media trend lately of people wanting to be young mothers, but with all the above-listed difficulties, I think it needs to be emphasized that if you do choose to have kids, you need to wait until you're as emotionally mature, financially stable, and established in your life as you can be, because motherhood is going to rock you. People need to spend less time talking about the beauty of motherhood, and more time educating about the challenges mothers can expect to face if they choose that path.
Yes, I definitely agree about the young mother trend! It’s directly related to the way babies are increasingly seen as expensive accessories that match your aesthetic. Since having children in this economy is so kinda pricey, people have started to view it as a status symbol. Thank you for reading 🥰
A fantastic read that echoes many of my thoughts. Now that I'm 35, nobody hounds me about being childfree like they used to in my twenties. Where others see loss, I feel liberation.
My husband and I didn't know if we wanted to be parents. I knew the world wanted us to be parents. We decided to sign up to be foster parents. We had children in our care on and off for four years, and I learned one important lesson: the only safety net for women is other women, and I could be the safety net or I could need the safety net, but I just couldn't do both. For a myriad of reasons, we stopped fostering, mainly because I did not like being a mother in any way, form, or fashion. But I still love children, and I'm absolutely the safety net for my friends with kids and always will be.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability- as someone approaching their late twenties, I’m plagued with these thoughts. Hearing this is helpful and appreciated 💛
Briana, did it ever occur to you that what you perceive as “the general intolerance of children and their parents (re: mothers) in public spaces” and “the growing anti-child sentiment” is the natural result of the decline in mindful parenting?
Do you remove your loudly crying or misbehaving child from places where people are trying to eat, enjoy art or entertainment they’ve bought a ticket for or just talk to each other without the distraction and disturbance caused by your shrieking child? Do you teach your child to be considerate of others outside of child-oriented spaces? If you regularly experience “intolerance” when you’re with your child in public you should probably look inward.
Genuine question: why did you expect other people to pull up to raise YOUR baby? Who's baby have you helped raise? I don't mean that sarcastically, I think it's a question worth examining to hopefully dial down the disappointment of people not pulling up. We can't expect what we don't give.
I'm happily childfree and I'm "raising" my company, and I don't expect anyone to help me. With anything. Ever. I don't think any career woman does. It's my choice, my life, my path. Yours is yours. A new mom's isolation walks hand-in-hand with the entitlement that everyone will drop their life for your choices.
Hey Shallon, I think there’s been a bit of a misread here, I’m not asking strangers to raise my child. I’m speaking to the broader systemic issue: in patriarchal societies, care work is treated as a private, female responsibility, rather than a societal one. That’s a cultural choice, not an inevitable truth.
I’m fortunate to have amazing support in my personal circle, but the reality is that most mothers don’t. And while your path is valid, the idea that no one should ever expect help is rooted in a very Western, hyper-individualistic mindset. In most cultures, child-rearing has always been communal. Expecting or even hoping for support (like access to affordable childcare or paid leave) isn’t entitlement. It’s asking society to value care work as essential, not invisible.
We can hold space for different life choices while still advocating for systems that support mothers better. That’s the conversation I’m trying to have.
Yeah I get that. But we DO live in western society. So for moms to feel shocked and irked that we don't have villages well...we don't live in villages? That can't be a revelation only when having a child. If people want a village, hey, that option is open.
But villages don't always have running water or wifi or individual paychecks or epidurals or duvet covers any other myriad of options. Its kinda why we all left them. We can't have western individualism but also African communality. It doesn't work.
And if a mom doesn't have help, why did she have a child? Why didn't she know she wouldnt have help? Who's responsibility was that other than hers to sort out before having a baby? But whenever someone points that out, they're a monster. It's all just the ~patriarchy.~
No. Its a person's individual responsibility to ask themselves "Just because I WANT something, can I actually HANDLE it?"
If that convo doesn't happen right alongside the patriarchy discussions then we're ultimately doing just performative blabbing and nothing will ever change for women.
The problem comes in when mothers demand help or expect that everyone is just falling over themselves to take care of their kid. Or even worse, when they themselves abdicate their responsibility for raising or watching their kids because someone else is either there or "should" be available whenever mommy wants some time off.
I'm not adverse to helping parents with their kids. But I am up to here with women who walk up to me, a complete stranger, and TELL me to watch their kids while they go do whatever, like shop or check out in a store. And this isn't something rare - this happens a LOT. I tell them I don't watch other people's kids and I've actually had several mothers tell me they're going to leave their kids anyway and I better be there when they come back. I've had to threaten to call the police for child abandonment twice now to keep these mothers from just toodling on off without their kids.
And it goes without saying that many, many of us are fed to the teeth, with mothers especially, ignoring their kids in public and letting them run and scream and potentially harm themselves, expecting someone else, like another customer or a service person, will watch out for their kids.
I agree. Everyone wants this mythical village when they want help but suddenly that village is NOT welcome to give feedback. Only help! Well, I'm not in your village. I don't want to be. No one is in mine. I don't leave my corporation's compliance documents with a random stranger and demand assistance. We're all responsible for our own choices.
To be honest, I think a lot, not all but a lot, of women bring this on themselves.
First, they do little to no research about what having a baby entails, either by being pregnant or after the baby is born. You'd have to be blind, deaf, dumb, and brain dead today to NOT see all the articles and all the literature about how hard and expensive it is to raise a child. If you choose to ignore that and have a kid anyway, especially when we all know you can't afford one, don't expect people to sympathize with your situation.
Secondly, if you want the village to help you out, you can't scream and yell at people for telling your kid to quit running or screaming in public or for being brats, because that IS the village right there.
And third, your job as a mother is to teach your kid and the earlier you start, the easier it's going to be for you later on. Remember when kids had chores? Remember when you took your kid home when he started to act out in public? This is called teaching your kids and it isn't something that has to wait until they're 5 years old to learn. A two-year-old can pick up his toys.
Today we have mothers who would rather haul their toddler into a bar or a movie instead of toilet train them. They'd rather ignore the screaming and temper tantrums of their kids instead of creating boundaries. They'd rather put up with their kids hitting and swearing at them instead of trying to teach them to learn how to control their emotions.
Where is Dad in all this? Well, dads need boundaries and structure, too. The time to talk to your partner about what you, as a future mother will expect, is before you get pregnant. A real man will step up to the plate. But if you marry a toddler in a man's body and still have a baby with him anyway, that's just your choice, so don't complain when he doesn't help with anything. You'll have to lay it out what you want your partner to help with, but if your choice of a husband is still falling short of his parental duties, then all I can say is dump his ass and go it alone until something better comes along.
I understand where you're coming from, but again, how hard is it to research how expensive and time consuming it is to have kids? I knew this when I was 14. And I'm not only blaming women. I'm blaming every person who ever told a woman to "just have kids" because...because....because. If women - and I say women because they're the ones who are mostly stuck raising the kids - would put as much time into researching them BEFORE having them as they put into buying a new car, just maybe they wouldn't find themselves in these situations. Yes, the system is broken - shattered, really. So why in all the names of the gods would you STILL have a kid and expect everything to work out like a fairy tale?
I broadly agree with this comment but why does a mother also have to parent the father? Why don't we as a society expect more from dads so that another adult doesn't need to give them "boundaries and structure"? There should be no stepping up to the plate. He should have always been on the plate.
Yep, the whole “it’s your fault because you chose the father in the first place” narrative is so common, but honestly insane. Normalize calling out fathers for their sickening behavior, not shaming the women left to keep up with their bullshit.
Of course it's the fault of women who chose the father of their kids. Were they all held at gunpoint to get married and pregnant? It's called taking responsibility for your actions. As a woman myself, it irks me to no end when other women don't take responsibility for themselves. This is why the men I meet think I will fall at their feet just because they wave a dollar bill at me or try to tell me what to do. It's amazing to me how many men think I'm going to be their mama just because their last ten girlfriends were. And you should see the pikachu faces of some men when I explain that I expect some mature and responsible behavior from them. Especially when I let them know I'd rather be single than married to child in a man's body. It's called having respect for myself.
And what are you talking about? Normalize calling out fathers? The time to call them out is BEFORE they're fathers and also, before they're husbands. As long as you let men become fathers first and THEN normalize calling them out, don't expect anything to change. WOMEN HOLD THE POWER. They are not required to be married or have children with losers. If men finally come to realize that they aren't marriage material and women aren't going to marry them or have kids with them because of their behavior, or lack thereof, that's when men will change, not before.
You, Sarah, are insulting millions of women by saying they shouldn't be shamed for being left to keep up with a man's bullshit. A woman shouldn't ever have to put up with a man's bullshit, let alone be left to keep up with it. If I was in a marriage with a kid and a loser husband, my shame would be for marrying and having a kid with him in the first place, but also for still putting up with his crap and not leaving him. Yes, I know it's hard to leave a lot of times, but it is possible. And that's the power I have as a woman. This is 2025, not 1880 when women stayed with their husbands no matter how sad a specimen he was.
I don't know why you have to parent the father - you tell me. You women are the ones marrying these infantile men and having kids with them. If a woman is going to make the biggest and most important choice of her life with another person, why in the world doesn't she make this choice BEFORE finding out what kind of man she married? There were no signs whatsoever that this man wouldn't be a good husband and father?
Thank you for sharing this! I am 20 and I've known my entire life that I didn't want to have kids and I spent the last year of my life compromising on that in a relationship just so I could be more compatible with that person. It occurred to me how badly I didn't want the 2.5 kids BS future that was being pitched at me and I have been slowly ending the relationship while trying to gain more perspective from regretful and/or burnt out parents to remind me to not only look out for my peers who are moms, but to continue prioritizing myself in this one beautiful life I was blessed with. Thank you for sharing! This was beautifully written.
I have no words for how thankul I am to be able to live in this time where women are allowed to speak up about these kind of things. I'm just 26 years old but when my mom was my age she already had a 5 year old and another baby on the way so it wasn't something she really questioned but growing up she always talked to me and my sister about her dreams and aspirations and all the what-if's of her life. I think the saddest thing many women who have children say is that they have to lose a little bit of them every day in order to be a better mother. It's just terrifying when I think about it. Thank you so much for bringing such an important topic up, it was very refreshing to read your experience and I'm so sorry for what you had to go through during your labor.
I was staunchly childfree until a couple of years ago I started to waver. I saw families with kids in my local community and began to think it would be lovely to have a child or two, to show kids all the good things about the world. But this was a temporary wavering. Everything I've heard from mothers since then has sent me back to my old way of thinking for all the reasons you outline. I think in an ideal world that was set up to support mothers, to let them have the six weeks rest post-caesarian they should be having, to make sure they don't lose their minds from drudgery and loneliness, I would have kids. But this is not that world, and it sounds like hell, and all the "buts" I hear from people trying to convince me are laughable. My own mother patronisingly tells my friends that all you have to do is make sure you have time for you - talking about the one evening a week she got to go to her club when I was a child. One evening a week is not enough for me, because unlike her I would need to maintain my full time job. I would lose my mind.
As a young woman on the fence, this makes me think harder about maybe having kids. I'd been opposed until a year ago (at 21) and started thinking about how I'd like to have a clan of my own, how i would do anything to ensure a good education for my child. Honestly though, these seem superficial when looking at the cost of motherhood.
I see a lot of comments along the lines of, “Why didn’t you educate yourself on the challenges of parenting before deciding to become one?” But the truth is, the decision to become a parent is overwhelmingly emotional and only a small part logical or practical. We’re drawn to the images of smiling parents gazing lovingly at their babies, the hearts-and-flowers version of parenthood. Rarely do our minds go to the dollars, the hours, or the sacrifices involved—and why would we, when society tells us that you can’t or should never quantify something as profound and sacred as raising a child?
Besides, “researching” parenting is largely moot. Every child, household, and circumstance is unique, and the advice landscape is a firehose of contradictions. You won’t truly know what your life looks like until the baby arrives—and even then, it changes day to day. When you do ask veteran parents for the unvarnished truth, most will hesitate, because even remotely acknowledging the physical, emotional, and financial strain is too uncomfortably close to being perceived as criticizing or even hating their own kids. As you pointed out so eloquently, it’s a conversation we, as a society, still aren’t ready to have.
Until we’re able to set aside judgment and speak honestly, many of us who become parents may find ourselves disappointed—not because we’re bad parents or ungrateful, but because we’ve all been sold a romanticized ideal that doesn’t prepare us for the full reality.
Thank you for your honesty. I am 26 it does put things into perspective for me. Having kids must be easy for financially stable people. I think it’s almost dangerous to be pushed into motherhood when you’re struggling with your own bills. Knowing we were never taught financial literacy to begin with before throwing us under the bus with the biggest responsibility on earth. KIDS.
100% yes!! so many people say it’s not about money, but honestly, having money does make all the difference in the system we’re living in. Money means you can hire a nanny if you want to have a night out, you can outsource cleaning, afford therapy, join mom groups that cost money, even take a break without it being a crisis. It gives you options. Without that, everything falls on you — emotionally, physically, financially. And that’s the part I wish more people would acknowledge. It’s not just about attitude or effort, but about access.
Exactly! Access, freedom and having the option to. Which is a big relief and less of a mental charge that occupies your entire existence.
I'm so sorry you are going through this hard time. I have felt it before but have come to realize that if I want a village, I need to create it. And a lot of the problems of not feeling heard or helped stems from me just as much as others, I have started opening up more with my husband, he is very loving and helps when he can (but he does work long hours during the day so naturally I take care of the children most of the time), I have started asking family and friends for help and to my surprise they weren't condescending and didn't think less of me! I feel like I built myself this wall in my head that was hard to get through but I did it. I do have help, people do love children, they want to help but they need to know exactly how they can help, and we need to choose better partners to have children with. There are men out there who step up and care for the family properly, but a lot of boys have been raised to try to get away doing as little as possible and that stretched into parenthood unfortunately, so women with childish selfish men tend to get burnt out picking up the pieces because they have no other choice. I changed this narrative by talking more with my husband, asking everyone for help with big and small things, attending more events with moms near my area (picnics in the park are cheap and usually easily accessible) and being more inviting and hosting more! Hopefully this helps and brings some light to such dark, overwhelming thoughts, especially when we feel in the thick of it.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I’m really glad you’ve found ways to make things work better for you and I do agree we have to actively build our own villages and ask people for help. I think where we might differ is that my post isn‘t really about me personally having a hard time, but more about how the larger system makes it incredibly hard for so many moms to have a good experience at all (especially for moms in marginalized groups!) Not everyone has access to supportive partners, family nearby, or the time and energy for community events. That’s the deeper issue I was trying to speak to — and one of the big reasons why so many people are choosing not to have kids right now.
I understand that absolutely, and how intimidating it is to make that choice. But therein lies the necessity to, maybe not have children themselves, but build a community that supports mothers. Lots of these women that don't have kids make it harder for moms too, they are usually the ones being condescending about kids, focusing all their time and attention on activities that are hard to have kids around, and ignoring friends that have children. It's a very multidimensional topic and what I'm trying to say, I guess, is that only pointing to the problem doesn't do much and we can all come together to bring about some small steps that resolve the big issue at hand.
Thank you for writing this. This needs to be said. I've noticed a social media trend lately of people wanting to be young mothers, but with all the above-listed difficulties, I think it needs to be emphasized that if you do choose to have kids, you need to wait until you're as emotionally mature, financially stable, and established in your life as you can be, because motherhood is going to rock you. People need to spend less time talking about the beauty of motherhood, and more time educating about the challenges mothers can expect to face if they choose that path.
Yes, I definitely agree about the young mother trend! It’s directly related to the way babies are increasingly seen as expensive accessories that match your aesthetic. Since having children in this economy is so kinda pricey, people have started to view it as a status symbol. Thank you for reading 🥰
A fantastic read that echoes many of my thoughts. Now that I'm 35, nobody hounds me about being childfree like they used to in my twenties. Where others see loss, I feel liberation.
‚where others see loss, I feel liberation‘ THIS THIS THIS!!! ❤️ keep living your best life!
My husband and I didn't know if we wanted to be parents. I knew the world wanted us to be parents. We decided to sign up to be foster parents. We had children in our care on and off for four years, and I learned one important lesson: the only safety net for women is other women, and I could be the safety net or I could need the safety net, but I just couldn't do both. For a myriad of reasons, we stopped fostering, mainly because I did not like being a mother in any way, form, or fashion. But I still love children, and I'm absolutely the safety net for my friends with kids and always will be.
Amy, you sound like an incredible person and your friends who are mothers are incredibly lucky to have you!! 🥹
Thank you so much for your vulnerability- as someone approaching their late twenties, I’m plagued with these thoughts. Hearing this is helpful and appreciated 💛
Thank you for reading!! 🩷
👏👏👏
I wanna print this. Love it.
Briana, did it ever occur to you that what you perceive as “the general intolerance of children and their parents (re: mothers) in public spaces” and “the growing anti-child sentiment” is the natural result of the decline in mindful parenting?
Do you remove your loudly crying or misbehaving child from places where people are trying to eat, enjoy art or entertainment they’ve bought a ticket for or just talk to each other without the distraction and disturbance caused by your shrieking child? Do you teach your child to be considerate of others outside of child-oriented spaces? If you regularly experience “intolerance” when you’re with your child in public you should probably look inward.
Genuine question: why did you expect other people to pull up to raise YOUR baby? Who's baby have you helped raise? I don't mean that sarcastically, I think it's a question worth examining to hopefully dial down the disappointment of people not pulling up. We can't expect what we don't give.
I'm happily childfree and I'm "raising" my company, and I don't expect anyone to help me. With anything. Ever. I don't think any career woman does. It's my choice, my life, my path. Yours is yours. A new mom's isolation walks hand-in-hand with the entitlement that everyone will drop their life for your choices.
Hey Shallon, I think there’s been a bit of a misread here, I’m not asking strangers to raise my child. I’m speaking to the broader systemic issue: in patriarchal societies, care work is treated as a private, female responsibility, rather than a societal one. That’s a cultural choice, not an inevitable truth.
I’m fortunate to have amazing support in my personal circle, but the reality is that most mothers don’t. And while your path is valid, the idea that no one should ever expect help is rooted in a very Western, hyper-individualistic mindset. In most cultures, child-rearing has always been communal. Expecting or even hoping for support (like access to affordable childcare or paid leave) isn’t entitlement. It’s asking society to value care work as essential, not invisible.
We can hold space for different life choices while still advocating for systems that support mothers better. That’s the conversation I’m trying to have.
Yeah I get that. But we DO live in western society. So for moms to feel shocked and irked that we don't have villages well...we don't live in villages? That can't be a revelation only when having a child. If people want a village, hey, that option is open.
But villages don't always have running water or wifi or individual paychecks or epidurals or duvet covers any other myriad of options. Its kinda why we all left them. We can't have western individualism but also African communality. It doesn't work.
And if a mom doesn't have help, why did she have a child? Why didn't she know she wouldnt have help? Who's responsibility was that other than hers to sort out before having a baby? But whenever someone points that out, they're a monster. It's all just the ~patriarchy.~
No. Its a person's individual responsibility to ask themselves "Just because I WANT something, can I actually HANDLE it?"
If that convo doesn't happen right alongside the patriarchy discussions then we're ultimately doing just performative blabbing and nothing will ever change for women.
The problem comes in when mothers demand help or expect that everyone is just falling over themselves to take care of their kid. Or even worse, when they themselves abdicate their responsibility for raising or watching their kids because someone else is either there or "should" be available whenever mommy wants some time off.
I'm not adverse to helping parents with their kids. But I am up to here with women who walk up to me, a complete stranger, and TELL me to watch their kids while they go do whatever, like shop or check out in a store. And this isn't something rare - this happens a LOT. I tell them I don't watch other people's kids and I've actually had several mothers tell me they're going to leave their kids anyway and I better be there when they come back. I've had to threaten to call the police for child abandonment twice now to keep these mothers from just toodling on off without their kids.
And it goes without saying that many, many of us are fed to the teeth, with mothers especially, ignoring their kids in public and letting them run and scream and potentially harm themselves, expecting someone else, like another customer or a service person, will watch out for their kids.
I agree. Everyone wants this mythical village when they want help but suddenly that village is NOT welcome to give feedback. Only help! Well, I'm not in your village. I don't want to be. No one is in mine. I don't leave my corporation's compliance documents with a random stranger and demand assistance. We're all responsible for our own choices.
To be honest, I think a lot, not all but a lot, of women bring this on themselves.
First, they do little to no research about what having a baby entails, either by being pregnant or after the baby is born. You'd have to be blind, deaf, dumb, and brain dead today to NOT see all the articles and all the literature about how hard and expensive it is to raise a child. If you choose to ignore that and have a kid anyway, especially when we all know you can't afford one, don't expect people to sympathize with your situation.
Secondly, if you want the village to help you out, you can't scream and yell at people for telling your kid to quit running or screaming in public or for being brats, because that IS the village right there.
And third, your job as a mother is to teach your kid and the earlier you start, the easier it's going to be for you later on. Remember when kids had chores? Remember when you took your kid home when he started to act out in public? This is called teaching your kids and it isn't something that has to wait until they're 5 years old to learn. A two-year-old can pick up his toys.
Today we have mothers who would rather haul their toddler into a bar or a movie instead of toilet train them. They'd rather ignore the screaming and temper tantrums of their kids instead of creating boundaries. They'd rather put up with their kids hitting and swearing at them instead of trying to teach them to learn how to control their emotions.
Where is Dad in all this? Well, dads need boundaries and structure, too. The time to talk to your partner about what you, as a future mother will expect, is before you get pregnant. A real man will step up to the plate. But if you marry a toddler in a man's body and still have a baby with him anyway, that's just your choice, so don't complain when he doesn't help with anything. You'll have to lay it out what you want your partner to help with, but if your choice of a husband is still falling short of his parental duties, then all I can say is dump his ass and go it alone until something better comes along.
Hi Kelly, blaming women for struggling in a broken system isn’t helpful. Hope this helps 🫡
I understand where you're coming from, but again, how hard is it to research how expensive and time consuming it is to have kids? I knew this when I was 14. And I'm not only blaming women. I'm blaming every person who ever told a woman to "just have kids" because...because....because. If women - and I say women because they're the ones who are mostly stuck raising the kids - would put as much time into researching them BEFORE having them as they put into buying a new car, just maybe they wouldn't find themselves in these situations. Yes, the system is broken - shattered, really. So why in all the names of the gods would you STILL have a kid and expect everything to work out like a fairy tale?
I broadly agree with this comment but why does a mother also have to parent the father? Why don't we as a society expect more from dads so that another adult doesn't need to give them "boundaries and structure"? There should be no stepping up to the plate. He should have always been on the plate.
Yep, the whole “it’s your fault because you chose the father in the first place” narrative is so common, but honestly insane. Normalize calling out fathers for their sickening behavior, not shaming the women left to keep up with their bullshit.
Of course it's the fault of women who chose the father of their kids. Were they all held at gunpoint to get married and pregnant? It's called taking responsibility for your actions. As a woman myself, it irks me to no end when other women don't take responsibility for themselves. This is why the men I meet think I will fall at their feet just because they wave a dollar bill at me or try to tell me what to do. It's amazing to me how many men think I'm going to be their mama just because their last ten girlfriends were. And you should see the pikachu faces of some men when I explain that I expect some mature and responsible behavior from them. Especially when I let them know I'd rather be single than married to child in a man's body. It's called having respect for myself.
And what are you talking about? Normalize calling out fathers? The time to call them out is BEFORE they're fathers and also, before they're husbands. As long as you let men become fathers first and THEN normalize calling them out, don't expect anything to change. WOMEN HOLD THE POWER. They are not required to be married or have children with losers. If men finally come to realize that they aren't marriage material and women aren't going to marry them or have kids with them because of their behavior, or lack thereof, that's when men will change, not before.
You, Sarah, are insulting millions of women by saying they shouldn't be shamed for being left to keep up with a man's bullshit. A woman shouldn't ever have to put up with a man's bullshit, let alone be left to keep up with it. If I was in a marriage with a kid and a loser husband, my shame would be for marrying and having a kid with him in the first place, but also for still putting up with his crap and not leaving him. Yes, I know it's hard to leave a lot of times, but it is possible. And that's the power I have as a woman. This is 2025, not 1880 when women stayed with their husbands no matter how sad a specimen he was.
I don't know why you have to parent the father - you tell me. You women are the ones marrying these infantile men and having kids with them. If a woman is going to make the biggest and most important choice of her life with another person, why in the world doesn't she make this choice BEFORE finding out what kind of man she married? There were no signs whatsoever that this man wouldn't be a good husband and father?
Thank you for sharing this! I am 20 and I've known my entire life that I didn't want to have kids and I spent the last year of my life compromising on that in a relationship just so I could be more compatible with that person. It occurred to me how badly I didn't want the 2.5 kids BS future that was being pitched at me and I have been slowly ending the relationship while trying to gain more perspective from regretful and/or burnt out parents to remind me to not only look out for my peers who are moms, but to continue prioritizing myself in this one beautiful life I was blessed with. Thank you for sharing! This was beautifully written.
I have no words for how thankul I am to be able to live in this time where women are allowed to speak up about these kind of things. I'm just 26 years old but when my mom was my age she already had a 5 year old and another baby on the way so it wasn't something she really questioned but growing up she always talked to me and my sister about her dreams and aspirations and all the what-if's of her life. I think the saddest thing many women who have children say is that they have to lose a little bit of them every day in order to be a better mother. It's just terrifying when I think about it. Thank you so much for bringing such an important topic up, it was very refreshing to read your experience and I'm so sorry for what you had to go through during your labor.
I was staunchly childfree until a couple of years ago I started to waver. I saw families with kids in my local community and began to think it would be lovely to have a child or two, to show kids all the good things about the world. But this was a temporary wavering. Everything I've heard from mothers since then has sent me back to my old way of thinking for all the reasons you outline. I think in an ideal world that was set up to support mothers, to let them have the six weeks rest post-caesarian they should be having, to make sure they don't lose their minds from drudgery and loneliness, I would have kids. But this is not that world, and it sounds like hell, and all the "buts" I hear from people trying to convince me are laughable. My own mother patronisingly tells my friends that all you have to do is make sure you have time for you - talking about the one evening a week she got to go to her club when I was a child. One evening a week is not enough for me, because unlike her I would need to maintain my full time job. I would lose my mind.
As a young woman on the fence, this makes me think harder about maybe having kids. I'd been opposed until a year ago (at 21) and started thinking about how I'd like to have a clan of my own, how i would do anything to ensure a good education for my child. Honestly though, these seem superficial when looking at the cost of motherhood.
I see a lot of comments along the lines of, “Why didn’t you educate yourself on the challenges of parenting before deciding to become one?” But the truth is, the decision to become a parent is overwhelmingly emotional and only a small part logical or practical. We’re drawn to the images of smiling parents gazing lovingly at their babies, the hearts-and-flowers version of parenthood. Rarely do our minds go to the dollars, the hours, or the sacrifices involved—and why would we, when society tells us that you can’t or should never quantify something as profound and sacred as raising a child?
Besides, “researching” parenting is largely moot. Every child, household, and circumstance is unique, and the advice landscape is a firehose of contradictions. You won’t truly know what your life looks like until the baby arrives—and even then, it changes day to day. When you do ask veteran parents for the unvarnished truth, most will hesitate, because even remotely acknowledging the physical, emotional, and financial strain is too uncomfortably close to being perceived as criticizing or even hating their own kids. As you pointed out so eloquently, it’s a conversation we, as a society, still aren’t ready to have.
Until we’re able to set aside judgment and speak honestly, many of us who become parents may find ourselves disappointed—not because we’re bad parents or ungrateful, but because we’ve all been sold a romanticized ideal that doesn’t prepare us for the full reality.